I was able to unearth an unfinished cartoon post I did a couple of months back. This was the time when my mood got the best of me. I was sleeping at 3am and waking up by 6am for three days then and by the end of it, I realized, I actually literally turned into a crazy person.
Hmm….There should be a blog post section called PMS comics wherein I let my hormones speak for me. I swear, I consciously try not to use that as an excuse but there are just days when my feelings (or chemical reactions inside my body?) take over my sanity. It’s like you’re mind is being played with–much like being possessed. You try to be happy (or at least your brain knows the reasons why you can’t be grateful) but you still get agitated with the tiniest things!
So it happened again yesterday. I was wondering where all the feelings were coming from. In this day’s lingo, I simply had “too many feels”. (Kids, did I just use that phrase right? *Gahh…I feel so old!*) I thought I was okay. I thought I SHOULD be okay. I mean, I haven’t been sacrificing sleep, workout and food–because historically, if you deprived me with one of these, I would turn into a monster.
The other day, I was finally done with a very detailed illustration project among other things (which I can’t wait to share with you soon). I was so happy to the point that I can’t sleep. I was playing “Feel Again” by One Republic because that’s how I felt (and I’m corny like that). “I finally earned the right to be human again and I can finally decide what to do with my own time”, I thought. I have my life back! Yessss!
But, yesterday morning, I found water leaking from my eyes while I was driving. Then I realized I’ve been working on weeknights and weekends. I didn’t know that I’ve been acting like a robot, pushing all my emotions to one side and just trying to get through all the pending tasks and major projects. As soon as I was finally done with all the deadlines, all the feelings just started pouring in. It’s pretty similar to when you’re offline for a good number of hours and you check your phone and all the e-mail accounts, chat and social networking apps are all begging to be read. I was just so overwhelmed.
It wasn’t also helping that a part of me was nagging myself for giving in to my feelings. “Are these unresolved childhood issues surfacing?”, I thought. On top of everything, my best friend from high school was leaving for the US again. We haven’t seen each other for the past 6 years and between the occasional calls and chats, I thought I was doing just fine without her until she arrived. All along, I was totally sold on this concept that your hubby is your best friend. As Jason Mraz puts it:
♩ ♪ ♫ ♬ More than just a partner or a lover I’m your friend ♩ ♪ ♫ ♬
I also thought her absence could be temporarily filled by all my other friends whom I loved dearly. Then she came and made me realize that the best friend plays a different role. We grew up together and she knows everything about my geeky pimply self and awkward years–that phase when I used to spend the spare minutes of lunch time for Boggle (*Who does that??!?!?!*) and studies. These were the years when I was so afraid of making new friends I was actually reading a book entitled Making Friends (LOL) then wishing that when I grow up, I will be like Andrew Matthews who gets to illustrate his stories. With the twitch of an eyebrow or a change in my expression, Pam knows if I’m getting pressured, annoyed, agitated, happy but just trying to hide it or if I have something up my sleeve. I also found a workout buddy in her lately. We actually did a total of 5 classes in 3 days! Yes, this is a big deal because it’s a far cry from our Choco Mousse binging days back in high school when we would buy a huge cake just for the two of us–enough to last throughout the 48-hour sleepover. It also doesn’t help that she gave me the same cake last night for old time’s sake. *Grabs tissue.*
And oh, I was scheduled to attend a party yesteday. So, just imagine: introverted pre-party jitters + PMS hormones = not the most attractive cocktail of emotions in zeh world. I really wish I would run out of feelings soon because I can’t be sitting here looking like some broken-hearted kid with morning hair and all plus bloated eyelids. I mean, I love the fact that I feel and this is what pushes me to express myself in “art forms” possible (singing in the shower included). But just for today, dear feelings, please STOP. Just stop. Thank you.
I just reviewed this blog post again and arghhhhh…This is one of the reasons why I don’t like giving away my blog address anymore especially when meeting new people outside the blogosphere!! I always feel like I’m giving them the chance to be able to see right through me–my innermost thoughts and soul. *Oh the drama!*
‘Til the next post and hopefully a less emotional one…